I love to smoke. But I hate that I love to smoke. I have been a smoker for about ten years now. Wow, ten years. It sounds pretty horrible when you say it out loud. I had my first cigarette in the back of my friends car accompanied by a couple of Mickey’s 40s and a winter trip to the river. All I remember was that I wasn’t too excited about drinking, I was more excited about my next cigarette. Now, I didn’t just pick up the habit after one smoke, but I do remember liking my first one. It was bad. Shit, I was a freshmen in high school. That’s what we did. I wouldn’t say I became a real smoker til about my senior year. I was in smokers denial for about six years after that. It was then that I decided to quit. That was three and a half years ago.
For some reason I told myself a long time ago that whan I was 24 was a good time to quit smoking because I was still young and if I got old, it would be impossible to quit. 24 sounded like a good year. So I set up a date and bought some nasty Nicoette, smoked a whole bunch the night before and quit. I hate Nicorette, but it worked. I was sober for about 5 months. It was great. My roommate at the time quit with me, so it helped alot. Back then I smoked about ten cigarettes a day which is about half a pack. That is on the occasion that I was NOT drinking. My roommate didn’t smoke as much as me, so it was a little bite easier of a transition for her. We held strong.
I don’t know what it was, but for some reason 5 months into not smoking I decided that Black n Mild cigars were not cigarettes and were ok to smoke. Within a couple of weeks I was smoking one whole cigar a day and inhaling “most” of the time. It sucked more than smoking; it tore me up. (But at least they were chocolate flavored) I remember when I bought my first pack of Marlboro Ultra lights after I had quit. I felt like a failure. But I had officially switched from Marlboro Lights to Marlboro Ultra Lights. People with addictions make compromises with themselves to justify their addiction. I’ve found it’s pretty sad. I also found myself doing it in this situation. And I do it again later in this blog post. (Let’s see if you can pick it out.)
Since I started smoking again I don’t smoke that much really. I barely smoke and if I was going to say that I was a full time smoker (which is pushing it) I would be an “extremely light” full time smoker. All in all, I have been up and down over the last four years, but I have never reached the number as I once did smoke. I smoke maybe a cigarette or two a day, but then I will be bad when I drink on the weekend. Today I haven’t had a cigarette in four days. It is an achievement in itself, but I can’t say I will not pick one up again. Lets just say that I try to smoke as little as possible.
I know I need to stop, but I feel I need a really significant reason to stop. (not that I have a long list already) I need something to shove it in my face. Something to make me scared to smoke ever again. The time will come for me to quit. I think what I need to do is just take my own advice: “Suck it up.” I need to suck it up and do it for me.
dude… I hear that. Good job on this one Dave… it helps to know somebody else is struggling with this sexy disgusting habit.
C.
My dad smoked for many years and finally quit, but the damage was already done. When he had his car accident in April they had to put him on a respirator. His lungs were so bad it took two months to get him off the respirator. That was the only thing keeping him in the hospital.
Why do you need something really significant to happen to make you stop? That pisses me off that you said that. Is it not enough that your wife absolutely hates cigarette smoke and the fact that you smoke? I tell you all the time that it’s killing you. I have told you stories about my grandfather who died from emphysema and it was NOT a pretty death. Very sad to watch your grandfather decline, especially since he had quit smoking 20 years prior to getting emphysema. And yes, you should take your own advice and suck it up. Quit for you, but quit for me too. I want you around to raise our kids:)
Man Dave – I Just read this…and I sorta feel bad I had that smoke with you at Christmas…NOT!!! I smoked for 19 years and hid it from John for almost a year after we got together (lots of perfume and breath mints). He hates smoking like Priscilla does…with a passion. Everyone…I mean everyone in his family smoked except him. I’m with you on this…I loved the experience of smoking….it made me feel relaxed, sophisticated., loved it after eatting, with coffee, talking on the phone and after sex (that’s so cliche…but true) It was just a part of me to the core. I didn’t love it about myself but just chose to ignore it and let the rest of the world hate it. Then one day I noticed I had a bit of a “wheezzzz” and it seemed like I got sick with bronchitis alot and couldn’t shake it. I guess I quit for myself because I didn’t want to end up like my Dad, Uncle John, Louie and Grandma Hill with Congestive Heart failure. Remembering what it was like for Grandmas drowning in her own fluids is still a vivid memory and all that nasty hacking. My mind was finally made up that smoking was a one way ticket in that hacking direction and that didn’t feel sophisticated or sexy. Anyways…I’m totally sympathetic to you…I just think for each of us we quit when our “need to” quit overshadows our “desire”….But I sure did enjoy having that smoke & chat with you on Christmas….