I get anxiety.  It’s not like being scared in the movie theater during a horror movie.  It’s not the feeling you get before a big meeting.  It’s the feeling of being tense.  You don’t understand why, but you cannot get this feeling of fear out of your head.  The more you think about it, the worse it gets.  It’s a snowball of terror of god knows what that seems to have no end.  It is, hands down, the worst feeling I have ever had.  In a nutshell, I get the feeling I am going to die.  Sometimes I feel like I can’t breathe.  Sometimes I feel like I’m having a heart attack.  Most of the time I really can’t put my finger on what I am freaking out about, it’s just pure unadulterated terror.  It sucks.  If I could have one magical wish in my life it wouldn’t be money, or power or even the ability to fly (even though that would rock) it would be to be done with this anxiety.

It all began about five years ago when I lived with my buddy Todd.  I was single and had recently broken up with my ex-girlfriend.  I had worked at Indigo Studios for about a year and was still very much at the bottom of the totem pole.  Needless to say, I was stressed out and depressed which made me more stressed and I didn’t even know it.  It was the first time I was making it on my own.  I had my own money, my own friends and my own life.  I smoked a lot of cigarettes back then and smoked alot of other stuff.  Overall, I smoked alot.  I also started to drink some more as I began to hang out with my buddy Jamie.  It was a fun time.  I’m not sure the exact date, but I started the day off with a double shot Iced Mocha from Starbucks.  Not anything unusual as I started drinking coffee when I started making it everyday for my boss Marc and Indigo.   It was a Sunday so I did nothing all day.  Sat on the couch, ate food, hung out, ate food, smoked and smoked.  Todd came home and brought a movie he needed to watch for some project he was working on for his Portfolio Center class.  It was called “Jacob’s Ladder”.

He threw it on.  The first scene was a group of soldiers in the Vietnam jungle sitting around eating food and having a good time.  All of a sudden they broke out in seizures.  I hate watching seizures.  I didn’t make it through that first scene before my life changed in a way I could never imagine.  I had my first panic attack.  Now panic attacks are the peak of all anxiety.  And a first ever panic attack is by far the worst it gets.  It usually starts with a rapid heart beat and the feeling of not knowing what is happening.  This follows by panic.  Again, the panic not geared towards one thing in particular.  It is just fear of the unknown.  Fear of death for no apparent reason.  I paced back and forth in my room, sweating, and freaking out.  It took me about 15 minutes before I could get myself back to sanity.   After it was over, I knew I couldn’t watch the movie, but I did anyway.  Thank Gad there were no more seizure scenes.  I made it through most of the movie, but I grew bored as I had no idea what was happening cause I missed the first 15 minutes.

The next day I still had no idea what had happened to me.  After some long extensive research online I learn my disease.  Anxiety happens to a lot of people.  It happens to a lot of people in their early 20’s or 30’s that have a lot of responsibility thrown on them all at once.  To this day I still deal with anxiety, but I have been fighting a battle with it for almost 5 years and I have a pretty good grip on it.  There are certainly things out there that can still make it flair up once in a while, but nothing like that first day.  Too much caffeine, depression, Priscilla’s pms, stress at work, stress at home, weddings, buying a house, traveling, being hung over are all things that can make anxiety kick in.  But now I know.  I have found ways to keep my cool, but I am always looking for new ones.  I honestly think that my good friend anxiety will be with me my whole life in one way or another, but I am confident that I will be able to keep him at bay when it really matters.